A talk about war with a child

Russia's aggression against Ukraine has stirred up the whole world, which has been following developments with concern for several months now. War is the strongest psychological stress for any person, especially for a child, and its consequences can seriously affect health both in the near and in the distant future. In this regard, parents face a difficult choice: how to explain to children the bombings, destruction, the flow of refugees that they see on TV screens, on the Internet, which adults around are talking about, or try to protect them as much as possible from such information.

Discuss difficult topics with children

“Just because kids don't hear from you doesn't mean they don't get information from other sources,” says the British psychologist Lee Chambers. You need to communicate with children and talk about the problems of the world around them, including telling the truth about the war, of course, in a language appropriate to their age. “A child is not stupid - there are no more fools among them than among adults,” wrote Janusz Korczak, an outstanding Polish teacher and public figure, who worked with children directly exposed to horrors and tragedies during the Second World War.

Lee Chambers reminds us that children are like sponges, absorbing more information than we can imagine.

It would be wrong to generalize and offer universal solutions to a difficult problem: each child is unique, and the discussion of extreme situations requires special delicacy. Children subtly feel falseness, untruth, and formal answers, meaningless phrases can cause great harm to the emerging child's psyche.

Janusz Korczak argued: “In the area of feelings, children surpass adults in strength, because suppression has not been worked out yet ... In the area of intelligence, they are at least equal to them, lacking only in experience.” If you do not talk about problems with children, they will receive information of interest to them from other sources, they may misinterpret and misunderstand it, supplement it with their own fantasies, fall into a state of constant anxiety and fear.

Control the flow of information

In recent months, television news channels in many homes have been running almost around the clock. Psychologists warn that children deeply experience the pictures of the war seen on the screen, and this can lead to the most serious and unpredictable consequences in the future, if we mean the formation of the child's personality, his attitude to the world around him.

The accelerating pace of life often does not leave parents, who are constantly busy with work or household chores, any time for normal communication with children who are left alone with difficult questions, without sufficient contacts not only with adults, but often with peers. It should be considered that in children's minds pictures of real events are often superimposed on a continuous (for many from a very young age) picture of computer games, where there is a lot of destruction, catastrophes and aggression that have become habitual.

The well-known doctor of psychology Wendy Rice (Tampa, Florida, USA), who has extensive experience working with children, advises: “If you have a small child, watch with him the news that you were going to watch so that he can ask a few questions, and talk with him about what is going on. Of course, the content of the program should correspond to the developmental level of the child.

On the other hand, Lee Chambers believes that not all children are curious, and if the child does not yet ask about what seems significant to you, you should not insist on talking.

It is very important that children, experiencing fear and realizing that war is a tragedy, feel safe. Note that this does not refer to those who actually survived the shelling, bombing, and loss: they need a separate approach and psychological rehabilitation.

The child is also an adult

Dr. Chloe Carmichael (New York, USA) warns against being dismissive and superficial about children's anxieties: “Sometimes what they need the most is to know that they can share their feelings with adults, that equal conversation is always possible, and the loved ones will take care of them.” In such cases, monosyllabic and formal answers are unacceptable: you need to speak seriously, sincerely, together with the child, and look for a way out of the situation.

Janusz Korczak wrote the same: “Do not treat his [child's] problems down. Life is given to everyone according to their strength, and be sure that it is no less difficult for him than for you, and maybe even more, because he has no experience.”

Create a sense of security

Psychologist Jeffrey Shahidullah, professor at the University of Texas at Austin, USA, suggests that continuous news about the war, even if this war takes place in Ukraine, which is far away for most, are perceived by many children very painfully. “It's hard for young children to separate their own lives from what happens to other children on the other side of the world,” she says. - They get scared. I'm sure something similar could happen to them."

It is better to protect kids from watching the fighting, explosions and human suffering. Older children need to be explained that the fear of war is natural. Clinical psychologist from Riga (Latvia) Dmitry Matulyanis (Dmitrijs Matulanis) states: “We are all afraid, and this is absolutely normal! It is important to tell children that fear is normal. And this normalization of emotions helps children cope with them.”

Dr. J. Shahidullah advises, whenever possible, to maintain a familiar environment and daily routine in the home, which creates a sense of stability and security in children.

 Help is okay

According to psychologists, strong emotions can push a child to do something. From about the age of three, children begin to show elements of sympathy and empathy for other children, adults, and animals. Many would like to help the victims of the war. Tell the child one of the options: collect a parcel (toys, stationery, new things purchased together) for children in Ukraine. Older children, along with adults, can participate in the work of local charitable organizations and help refugees.

Joint activities, personal example of parents and other family members will tell the child how to develop the right attitude to difficult events, not to be afraid, to avoid empty and unnecessary actions and experiences, to learn how to provide specific feasible assistance to those in trouble. Talk to children about their important role, thank them for participating in common affairs, support their desire to be useful to other people.

Children remain children

Dr. Carmichael reminds that, despite all the problems and hardships, children should have a childhood: “Turn off the news, run around in the yard, play and have fun together.” More often, as many psychologists advise, even in a period of fear and uncertainty, give children joy, pleasure, and confidence that any war ends sooner or later.